Siblings: Like Kittens Wrestling and Why Fostering a Nurturing Relationship Matters
“What goes on in the playroom is a little bit like kittens wrestling.” Jeffrey Kluger said about siblings on Science Friday in 2011. “Kittens aren’t really trying to hurt one another when they bite each other in the neck. They always hold back. But what they learn and what they learn when they’re wrestling is what they’ll use later when they do kill a mouse.”
My kittens—Holden is four and Otto is 19 months—love to dance back and forth between sibling adoration and sibling conflict. A typical morning begins with Otto waking up first and saying he wants to see Holden. Holden comes downstairs from his room when he wakes and Otto runs to him, “Holden!” he exclaims with unrestrained adoration. Otto goes in for a hug. We parents watch with trepidation, a little excitement, and then surprised glee when Holden hugs him back. Their embrace is the kind of sibling love we imagine and coo over; a fulfillment of our sibling dreams and validation for bringing another kid into the household.
Just as this romantic sibling story starts to sparkle a little too bright, Holden grabs a toy that Otto wants because Holden has it. “NO! That’s mine!” Holden shrieks. “No, that’s Otto’s!” Otto retaliates. Holden climbs up onto the windowsill where Otto can’t reach him, which, naturally infuriates Otto. The injustice of being smaller is endlessly frustrating for Otto.
Max or I move closer. We know our interference is needed so the boys don’t tackle each other. We comfort and validate Otto’s feelings and then, without prompting, Holden brings Otto the toy. “I’m all done Otto, you can have your turn now,” and peace is restored to our tiny kingdom (for at least 10-15 minutes on a good day.)
Observational studies find that sibling conflicts occur around eight times an hour, which, if you have more than one kid, you’re probably not surprised about at all. These emotionally intense interactions shape the life course development of the children involved and act as a stage for learning and practicing relationship skills and social understanding.
Warm and supportive sibling relationships are linked to social competence, academic success, and they help teach kids the skills they’ll need for successful friendships and romantic relationships. On the flip side, negative sibling relationships are linked to depression, problems with academics and relationships, substance abuse, and other issues. Studies have also found that the quality of sibling relationships is one of the most important predictors of mental health in old age.
There’s no way around it, the presence of siblings absolutely shapes, for better or worse our lives and/or our kids lives. What matters the most is that we, as parents, cultivate kindness and empathy in our young children by fostering a nurturing and positive relationship while attempting to eliminate problematic relationships like sibling rivalry.
Sibling conflicts are a significant stressor for parents. According to one paper, “such ongoing stress can disrupt competent, engaged parenting—which may lead to harsh, authoritarian discipline and parental disengagement.” This type of parenting worsens the quality of sibling relationships and the more harsh and authoritarian the parenting, the more conflicts between siblings. Punitive, parent-centered discipline like threatening and scolding disrupt the benefit children might learn from their conflicts. The more punitive the discipline, the more antagonistic the sibling relationship is and the more inhibited the children’s emotional regulation is. Children, and sibling relationships, are especially sensitive to parental differential treatment, which often promotes social comparison and sibling rivalry. Favoritism is toxic for healthy development.
The good news? The way we parent can positively impact the quality of sibling relationships. Using child-centered conflict resolution strategies like negotiation, reasoning, and perspective-taking increases sibling harmony and allows children and families to take part in what researchers call “mental-state talk,” which provides unique insights into the workings of the social world and allows children to learn and benefit from their conflicts.
Parenting influences sibling relationships, and sibling relationships influence how we parent. No matter what we do, our kids won’t always get along. Sometimes I’m able to handle my kids’ conflicts with grace, and sometimes I find them extremely stressful and frustrating. When they do fight, they often need our help with emotional regulation and compromising skills. Until age 25, they’re also more likely to get physical when they’re mad because they aren’t emotionally mature enough to use other conflict resolution strategies.
It’s important for the kittens to wrestle, but also for us to understand that their relationship is dynamic and benefits from our ability to see both sides of the story and foster positive, caring relationships between all members of the family the best we can. Below, are a few fundamental strategies for helping kids problem-solve that also foster quality sibling relationships, and maybe even decrease those conflicts (maybe).
Manage your Emotions First: remain calm, cool, and neutral. What Janet Lansbury describes as the peaceful and confident leader. Approach the conflict assuming the best of both (or more) children, not assuming the worst about one or the other. Fairness and equality in treatment is essential. This takes practice, self-care, and support.
Encourage Mediation: mediation is where each kid comes up with and agrees on a solution. Kids are developmentally ready for mediation around four to five years old and research shows that mediation improves children’s ability to constructively handle conflicts and compromise. Notice, this approach involves both children in the resolution of conflict instead of solving it for them. This approach also requires our patience and listening.
Teach Social Skills: foster emotional intelligence when your kids are calm by discussing their emotions and their sibling’s emotions as well as ways to cope and regulate those emotions like taking personal space, deep breaths, or asking a parent for help. Describe what you do to cope with your emotions, but also own up and repair when you struggle to emotionally regulate.
Modeling Matters: marital hostility and conflict negatively impacts children and sibling relationships. There is tremendous stress on our relationships when we’re parenting children, especially young children. If we want to teach our children healthy conflict resolution and how to nurture warm, quality relationships, we have to start with ourselves. I love everything Esther Perel has to say on this topic and continue to learn from her.
Here’s a few of my favorite parenting resources:
It’s OK Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Compassionate Kids by Heather Shumaker
Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame by Janet Lansbury
Sources
How to Teach Siblings to Resolve Their Own Arguments, 2019
7 Evidence-Based Ways to Stop Sibling Fighting, 2021
If you enjoy stories, research and happen to be pregnant or preparing for pregnancy check out my book, How to Grow a Baby.